Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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