Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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