...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
