I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
