Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
