felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
