my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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