Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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