there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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