I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
