the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
