apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation