to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
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I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
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He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.