If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
