And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
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Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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