By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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