I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
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Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
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They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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