you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize