You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
