My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
