When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I love you. Go after that dick
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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