Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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