just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
