Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
