About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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