she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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