Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
