I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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