I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
