yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
