Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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