Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
