the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
