Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
