no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
