Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
