so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
just tell him i said nine months
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
