During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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