can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
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Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
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No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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