I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
