he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize