There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
