remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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