I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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