i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
