Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize