I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
