I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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