I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
