There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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