My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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