okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
