i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
