SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Everyone says I win the strip club
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
