a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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