I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just threw up on my dentist
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
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